Finally, I Am Ready to Bid Goodbye to My First Lover
Have you ever been in love? Or may I ask, have you ever experienced a love that rescued you from your own darkness?
I have been in love. Madly in love. Love that rescued me from my own darkness and opened the door of heavenly possibilities for me. A door to endless joy and self-acceptance. A door that led me to myself.
Now before you imagine a six-foot-tall, handsome, body-builder-type Italian guy, I must tell you that I am talking about a person. I am talking about a platform where you are reading me right now.
No, it’s not a joke. It’s rather the toughest decision I have ever made in my entire life.
I am LEAVING MEDIUM.
How I Fell In Love:
Almost two and a half years back, I started writing on Medium for two reasons:
- I had nothing else to do and I desperately wanted to do and be something
- I hoped that something good might come out of this
I didn’t know anything back then. I was still a naive young girl who just wanted to ‘make it big’ in a world where everyone had the same dream. To be a writer means to have a flashlight in your hands — showing people something that is invisible to the naked eye, or hidden behind the darkness of your own illusion.
I wasn’t that writer back then.
The only thing I knew was books and reading. So I used to write articles like ‘5 Books You Must Read’, or ‘What Reading Does To Your Brain.’
I began with a belief that Medium is an international platform and that a major chunk of its audience comes from America. And since America is a country of great writers and researchers, I don’t stand a chance to win on the platform. I thought people would laugh at my words. I knew my grammar was weak so every time I clicked on published, I was preparing myself to be trolled.
But spoiler alert!!!
Contrary to what we are taught, people are not as bad as you think. People out there in the real world are good. They are better than the four people in your mind trying to sabotage you.
In the real world, people praise you for trying. They are ready to overlook your mistakes if what you have done is good enough.
In my case, after writing consistently for six months, my articles changed from books to life experiences. I started writing about what I WAS THINKING rather than what I was reading.
And boy oh boy did I receive love! Not only did I receive the kind of love you only see in movies, but that love came from majorly from America and then Germany followed by other European countries.
People were so kind and loving that sometimes it made me cry. I remember once receiving a tip of $15 with a note that said: ‘I am 70 years old yet I can connect deeply with your writing.’
And then there was one tip that lives in my heart rent-free today. It was a tip of $1 which said: ‘I have like no money but I love your work.’
This love that cannot be bought made me see myself differently. I started to believe, little by little, that there must be something good about me.
Gradually, I started calling myself a WRITER. And somewhere deep inside, I gained the confidence that my words matter.
One and a half years later on the platform, I launched my first book. I still cannot believe how that stupid girl gained so much confidence.
My first book didn’t work well. YET.
I launched my second book on 17 May 2023 — The Art of Being Alone which is a bestseller today.
Now, you see how my love changed me.
But then, if everything is good then why am I leaving?
In one sentence: ‘It’s complicated.’
Like all relationships are.
Why I Am Leaving: The Struggle of Writers
‘What makes you excited for your life?’
If you don’t have the answer, it’s fine. But if you have never stopped to question yourself, and then you complain about having a boring life then you are on your way to living a miserable life.
One of the things that used to excite me 2.5 years back when I started was to wake up each day and write on this platform.
Why?
Because I had something that I built all by myself. I made a lot of mistakes here. I tried to copy others but eventually found my own voice. I became a writer and then an author. I had the opportunity to write whatever I wished without worrying about judgments from people around me, proving my worth, or chasing numbers.
Perhaps, that’s why I was able to find the flashlight that every writer is supposed to have.
But then….
Medium was a different platform where writers could write their hearts out and there were real readers on the platform. It is one of those platforms where people actually pay to read. And that’s a big thing given the digital era we are living in.
To be honest, it was a heavenly place for writers.
Though, it is not anymore.
How?
Medium has changed. Now, your articles only perform well when they are boosted by the editors of certain publications. And who are these editors? They are writers like me.
And if you are in touch with these editors, your articles have a chance of getting boosted. Or if you keep publishing under famous publications, then you can get some visibility.
What a trap!!
Why would I write for anyone else but my readers? It’s like taking my flashlight away and pushing me to run in the direction they choose for me.
I don’t want that. I tried and I failed. I started searching for publications and trying harder to write something that would catch the attention of editors with power. But that only suffocated me. The excitement turned into fear and insecurity.
I couldn’t go on any longer. I couldn’t feel the fun and joy any longer. And somehow that led to excuses for not writing. My last article was published on 2nd May. That’s the longest break I have ever taken from writing.
I hate it.
I hate that I hate the one thing I had built for myself. I hate that I have to hate the thought of writing. I hate that I have to question what I am about to write because the platform has given the power to editors and not readers. I hate that my heaven turned into hell.
This professional change started to reflect in my real life too. I started avoiding everything that used to be my comfort. I became lazy, miserable, and a person who always delays joy.
In turn, being such a miserable person, I couldn’t find anything to write on even when I thought of opening my laptop to just write.
I found myself trapped in a vicious cycle.
And I want an escape.
So, I am leaving.
I have no interest in the money that comes from constantly scratching my head over ‘what would make the platform happy?’ nor do I want to network with powerful editors just for the sake of it.
If there is anything I am proud of myself, it’s that I am not ready to be anyone or anything that doesn’t align with my truth. I have spent years doing that.
I want authenticity. I want rawness. I want to make mistakes. I want to write my heart out. I want love and excitement for my life and work. I want a one-on-one connection with my readers.
And most importantly, I want a safe place where I can write without any fear or insecurity. I want a space where I am chasing an illusion of numbers which only makes me egoistic.
I am very clear about one thing — I can lose some money but I cannot lose myself.
Hence, the decision. It’s tough to even think of leaving a platform where I have spent 2.5 years of life — building myself. But then again, ‘If you don’t leave what’s killing you, you will eventually be dead inside.’
I think you shouldn’t hold onto something that’s burning you. You may perceive it as a spark but it may just be fire.
I don’t want to burn. So, I have decided to leave.
Where Am I Going? Where to Find Me:
Are you a fan of Taylor Swift?
I am not. But I like her success story.
Anyway, a couple of weeks back, I was rearranging my wardrobe after finishing the final draft of my third book, when I suddenly thought of a dream I had back in 2020.
Just the reminder of that dream filled my lungs with excitement and for a second I thought, my heart had moved and I might be sick.
What was that dream?
The dream of having my own BLOG.
I always wanted to be a blogger. When I discovered that there are people out there who can sit in their rooms and write whatever they wish to and get to connect with people who think alike, somehow it made my heart open with love. I knew I wanted to do this.
But some events happened and I lost my confidence. My dream died or so I thought. In between, I picked new dreams, worked on them, and found happiness.
However, I have been thinking about that dream again, a lot. When I sat down after clearing my wardrobe, I thought of what will I write if I start my own blog.
And the answer was ‘I want to start a blog that’s like my secret garden. A place where I can go to and confess what I feel — my guilt, mistakes, excitement, what I am reading, thoughts, and new realizations. And in that secret garden, my readers will be invited to sit and find comfort.’
A few days ago, Taylor wrote a song and there is a lyric that goes like this: ‘I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind.’
I am sure you can do the math now.
A Chance to Old Dream:
Let me tell you a secret.
I have been questioning this decision for a while now whether I should start my blog or not. The thought of starting a tradition blog in a digital era where people’s attention span is lower than 3 seconds, I must be drunk.
I even forgot about it until I sat down to write this article.
So, when I say to you, that I am starting my own blog, I am also telling myself just now that I am starting my blog. I am giving a chance to the old dream that I had to bury.
I am not good at planning things and even if I do, I am bad at following the plans. I like things to be unpredictable so I can do what the present moment demands. I like there is no plan to follow so I can follow my heart.
Plans restrict me from being spontaneously myself. It cages my freedom and ties me to the rules.
Thus, I didn’t plan what I would write, how I would start and when, and the uncountable questions.
I just know that I will start my blog where I will be writing everything I feel, think, and observe. I will be carrying my own flashlight and won’t give it to anyone.
I will be nurturing a garden for all my readers who want a space to be free. A space where they can come, relax, and smell the sweet fragrance of the flowers I have planted for them.
Keeping my mission in mind, the name of my blog will be — ‘The Secret Garden’
Isn’t that a good name?
I invite you to my garden with all my heart for a cup of tea once every week. I don’t know the particular ‘day’ of the week. As I said, I am not good at following the rules.
So, I will be sending out an email to you once every week. I cannot promise a particular day. However, I can promise to make it sweet, warm, comforting and safe. If it interests you, you can subscribe here: The Secret Garden
PS: I am not leaving Medium immediately. But soon.
