How I Am Finding My Lost Version Back; In Search of SELF

Have you ever felt a disconnection from yourself? The person you were just a few months ago to who you are right now?

Maybe you haven’t changed at all. Your thoughts, opinions, and desires are the same but how you live or act has changed which has created a disconnection from who you used to be to who you are becoming. And now, not only do you miss your previous version but you also don’t feel aligned with your thoughts.

For example: For the past couple of weeks, I have been missing myself. I am here, right here yet I feel that I am not the person I used to be. In my mind, I am the person I used to be. But in reality, I have become someone else — someone who is the opposite of who I was/wish to be.

It may sound a little crazy but let me take you on an interesting journey of identity crisis where you might find yourself (or your previous version) back.

When YOU Change Into Who You Don’t Want To Be:

I am a big fan of slow and intentional living. If you have been reading my articles for a while now, you may know that I love life. I feel turned on by the little pleasures of life like having my morning tea in peace or going out for a walk without my mobile phone to explore the streets of my small town.

To me, life is my real MUSE.

Irrespective of the events in my life, I always made time for myself — to let myself enjoy life as it comes and take time for things instead of complaining about not having enough time. I made life beautiful for myself every day. And I was happy.

But then, in November something terrible happened to me. Something that broke me into thousands of pieces. I had almost all my work and money. For three weeks, I was either crying, cursing, or trying to figure out a way out of this terrible situation. It was also the first time I met with anxiety on such a deep level.

PS: To anyone who feels anxious easily, firstly, my heart goes to you. I know how terrible it gets. But hey, you have got this. Anxiety will make you feel otherwise but believe me, everything will work out.

Though the situation got better after three weeks, I had lost myself completely in the process. To cope with the stress, I started using social media like crazy so that my mind is distracted. I didn’t write anything and abandoned my book (the one I was working on). I don’t remember doing anything else.

The fear of losing all my work again grew so big inside me that I couldn’t think straight. I was always stressed or worried. I kept my phone with me 24/7 just in case of any emergency email.

Then, after a month or so, I was finally bringing myself back to my real life when something terrible happened in my family. It was a bit of a family situation but for two weeks, I didn’t do anything else but stress and imagine the worst-case scenarios. For 10 days, I didn’t write anything, and again to cope with stress, I fell for distractions.

Now, for the past two weeks when everything has been happy and merry, I have realized what I have done to myself. I have become addicted to my phone. I have learned to avoid important things. I have given up on reading. I am not writing my book. And I am not living life like I used to.

In my mind, I have all the knowledge and wisdom on how to bounce back. I miss the person I used to be. I miss the life I used to lead. Yet, here I was.

Now, capture the next sentence carefully:

The Ultimate Dilemma:

I knew where I went wrong. I knew I was still choosing the wrong path to walk on every day. I knew I was by default prioritizing the wrong habits.

But I also knew how I could make everything better again. I knew I could become the person I was again. I knew how I could live a good life again.

YET, I didn’t let myself.

Why?

I guess I don’t have the correct answer here. But perhaps, it had more to do with ‘how your brain becomes comfortable with the person you become’ hence, even if you want to change, you cannot. You know you are making the wrong choices every day yet your brain doesn’t let you make the right ones.

For example; If your goal is to wake up early in the morning. You know the first step is to sleep early yet your brain doesn’t let you. You keep scrolling social media or waste time doing unimportant things even when the little voice inside you reminds you of your goal.

Yet, you don’t do what you know you should do because you are too comfortable with what you have been doing all along.

This is how you create a disconnection between the person you are mentally and the person you are at the moment. You may have all the knowledge and wisdom inside your mind. You may think that you have figured it all out yet, your life remains the same.

This is the ultimate dilemma. You want to be someone you are not becoming because your brain is too comfortable with the default choices you make right now.

Read that again.

Now the question is — how do you become the person of your dreams then? Someone you wish to be or someone you used to be.

Let me share what is helping me:

1. Focus On The DOING:

What does your dream version look like?

The person you wish you were has some differences from the person you are right now. That’s a fact. So, ask yourself, what does this difference look like in terms of action?

For example: I used to miss my previous version because instead of scrolling social media (like my current version), my previous version used to spend the same time reading.

So instead of sitting there, not liking the person I have become or missing my previous version, I took a step back to analyze the differences in action. When I realized that the only difference was in the action, I started taking the same action my previous would take.

I bought two or three good books on Kindle and started them as my bedtime reading instead of taking my phone with me to bed. This is how I broke my social media habit and read one book of 450 pages in four days.

I didn’t apply tricks or hacks to become my previous version. I took the ACTION I was previously taking.

Because you don’t find yourself in your imagination, you CREATE yourself with your actions.

Now the question is on you — Which action you can take today and every day to become the person you feel most connected to (be it your previous version or your dream version)?

The difference is always in action.

2. Make Time For Yourself:

They say, ‘You are the average of five people you spend most of your time with.’

So my question to you is, ‘If you don’t spend any time with yourself, how will you become the average of your real self?’

Think about it.

If you are only spending time with the people and advice of the external world, wouldn’t you end up becoming an average of their thoughts — thus, becoming the person you never chose for yourself?

In my case, earlier I used to spend a lot of time alone. I would knit, go for a walk, read, write, or just watch the sunset. But gradually, I left all that behind to always sit with people, talk to my friends on call even when I didn’t feel like it, and just not do anything by myself.

Duh! Wasn’t it obvious that I would become someone I am not because I am not spending any time by myself and more time with people who I (love but) don’t look up to for inspiration?

My advice to you is — make time for yourself. Even if it’s as little as 10 minutes every day. Do it for yourself. Let yourself feel your presence, read your thoughts, and maybe explore the hobbies that you always wanted to try. But never let yourself just drift away with the people and advice of the external world.

Create an internal world just as interesting that you want to spend time with yourself. Make your inner world an escape for yourself instead of escaping from it.

And that can be done only when YOU DO YOU.

Conclusion:

I am gradually feeling more of myself. I am doing more of the things that mentally I knew I should be doing. I feel a longing for living life again. And I love it. I hope my example helps you in finding your lost version or creating the one you always dreamt of. In any case, life is too short to live with the person you don’t wish to be.