How I Enjoy Life As A Depressed Person
Do you know what’s the most tragic thing in the world?
To wait for everything to get back to as you wanted so you can wake up with a smile on your face and a desire to enjoy life. To not let yourself enjoy the good things you have in the moment because there are still unfulfilled desires keeping you awake at night. To deprive yourself of living because you don’t have all the boxes checked that you think you need in order to enjoy life.
I did that. So I know how pathetic it feels.
I was going through a tough period of my time for the past couple of months. I don’t know how it started or when it started but I know it made me someone I hated.
It’s a tricky thing how you know ‘exactly what you have been doing wrong yet not taking any action to change your behavior.’
I am a person whose purpose in life is to just LIVE and ENJOY life as it comes instead of waiting for everything to come together. But life breaks everyone. Even the best of us end up falling for the mental escapes our mind creates to avoid the present problems.
Perhaps, I did the same. To avoid one problem, I started skipping life. I leaned on short-term pleasures. I knew what I was doing to myself. But I didn’t stop.
And let me tell you a little secret.
When you don’t do what you know is good for you, apparently, you channel that inner anger on people around you. You want to blame everyone for something or the other. You want to blame situations for not being favorable. You just become an irritated, annoyed, and deeply unsatisfied, and miserable person. Someone you cannot recognize yet someone you continue to be.
What does it do?
I believe in a simple law of the universe. You get exactly how you show up in the world.
“If you are angry, you will have enough reasons to be angry.”
“If you wait for the ‘when’, you will always be waiting.”
“If you don’t do what’s good for you, Universe won’t give you for what’s good for you.”
Yes, it’s that simple.
So does that mean, you have to force yourself to be happy even when your situation isn’t exactly happy and merry?
Well, yes and no.
In my case, I allowed myself to feel my emotions. I thought I was being gentle on myself by taking a break from my work and everything else. I thought I was allowing myself to process things until I could get back to the normal pace of my life.
But I was just avoiding everything so I didn’t have to deal with anything. In turn, I created a person I never was and never wanted to be. And really, how could you be happy, irrespective of what you have, when you are with someone you hate (i, e. YOURSELF)?
How Did I Bounce Back?
Can I tell you a lesser-known fact?
You can hide from everyone but not yourself.
As I said, I knew what I was doing wrong. At all times, I knew I could make a new choice. I could choose a different path. But I didn’t until I got tired of my own sh*t. It happens. You get tired of playing games and making excuses that you are left with no choice but to either do what you say or keep hating the life and the person you are being.
I chose to make the change.
However, instead of changing everything at once, I tried to make small changes. I was (still am) dealing with the same problem I had months back but instead of waiting for everything to be normal or better, I thought to enjoy the other parts of my life where things are better.
Instead of being mad at everyone for my own lack of commitment, I thought of being committed to ONE THING I know is good for me. Instead of wishing, I thought of making the change happen.
Gradually, I found a way back to enjoying life.
For example: I received an email from my dream publication a few days back to publish my book ‘The Art of Being Alone’ with them. I never thought they would approach me but Oh My God!! I was screaming. I was not able to breathe when I saw their email. I thought the world had gone mad. I was happy.
If it was my older self, I would have put this news on hold until I could get the other part of my life to be normal so I could enjoy it properly with no worries in mind. So I could wear an all-white outfit, go to a cute cafe, and write a gratitude letter to the Universe.
But this time, after living like my worst self. I realized one thing:
YOU CAN ENJOY LIFE IN PARTS.
You don’t have to wait for everything to be back to normal. You don’t have to become your best version to wear good clothes. You don’t have to put JOY on hold until you have nothing to worry about because write it down somewhere when I tell you, the Universe has a naughty personality.
It will always give you something shitty served on your plate along with a croissant dipped in hot chocolate (aka something really good) so to test your self-love. Do you have the courage to choose to enjoy the best thing you have at the moment or do you want to clear the shit until the hot chocolate isn’t hot anymore?
The Article That Made Me Laugh….And Then Cry:
I was scrolling through my Google feed randomly and I came across an article. It piqued my interest so I opened it.
The headline of the article was: 8 signs of people who are deeply unsatisfied with their lives.
I checked the 7 boxes.
It made me laugh for some reason.
And then it made me cry. Maybe, all along I knew what I was doing wrong but to get it slapped on my face by a total stranger on the internet was probably a wake-up call.
I didn’t read the article. I just read the 8 headlines and I knew I needed to make the change.
I spent a lot of time alone after reading that article to analyze my actions, thoughts, and behavior. And I realized I didn’t need to make change in big life-altering ways, the kind we see in YouTube videos or self-help books. I needed small changes. One at a time.
I started with reading books I had been putting on hold.
I moved to walking daily on my terrace as I used to.
I switched my words. From speaking harshly to kindly to everyone, including myself.
Maybe, you could try the same.
If you have been finding it difficult to enjoy life because something is going wrong in your life, you can give the good things a chance. Maybe you don’t have to wait until everything is happy and merry because that only happens in movies. In reality, you will always have a problem that will try to pull you back to the darkness you have healed from. But it’s on you, do you love yourself enough to enjoy the good things without putting your life and yourself on hold?
Can you allow yourself to enjoy life in parts instead of waiting for everything to be exactly as you imagined it?
And just a spoiler:
“If you don’t make a choice, a choice will be made for you. If you don’t choose JOY, worry will choose you.”
So be wise.
Conclusion: The Unpublished Diary
I was journaling after reading that article and I wrote this, find it below. Maybe it will give you the final closure.
“I promise to myself that I will spend the rest of my life making myself happy. I will choose what is good for me. I will choose joy. I will never wait. I will never put my life on hold. I will live so loudly that if there is a supernatural power, it cannot help but give me more reasons to be happy.”
I feel quite vulnerable sharing this from my journal but I hope it helps you in some way.
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