How I Honored The Call to Wake Up From My Consciousness

The worst thing you can do to yourself is — to become the kind of person you hated.

Renuka Gavrani
5 min readMay 2, 2024

And I committed that crime on myself. I don’t know ‘how’ or ‘when’ but one step at a time, I became the person I hated.

Who did I become?

I became aggressive. Irritated. Frustrated. And always taking ‘guilt trips’ in circles.

I hated those people who spent all their days scrolling social media just to complain about how mundane their lives have become. I hated those people who would get angry at every little thing even when there was not a reason to be. I hated those people who never stepped outside of their rooms to witness the magical sunset or sit under the starry eyes. I hated those people who never cycled, ran, or did any kind of physical activity.

YET…I became the same person.

I am still wondering ‘HOW’ that happened. The simplest answer, I can find, is — you don’t lose your identity at once. One step at a time, you forget who you loved being. One habit at a time, you become someone else, either it’s more comfortable or it’s popular, and you become the person you cannot recognize.

You find yourself listening to the humming of your ‘real internal desires’ and it kills you. It reminds you who you were supposed to be. To ignore that painful acceptance, you go one step beyond and indulge in short-term pleasures. But, as they say, you can fool the world but you cannot fool yourself.

Irrespective of how deeply you are unconscious, or lost, your own consciousness will call to WAKE YOU UP. To make you realize ‘it’s time to find a way back home. A path back to yourself.’

When you honor that calling without guilt-tripping yourself, life becomes easier again. You feel calm and peace becomes your best friend. But if you guilt-trip, you are basically running away from your consciousness, maybe you are afraid to explore your truth or maybe you have got too comfortable with this ‘unchosen unconscious new self.’ In either case, let me repeat, your own consciousness will find a way to call you back — to yourself.

I am not proud to admit I was playing hide-n-seek with my own truth. I feel I was afraid. Or maybe I got too comfortable. I thought adopting back the ‘old’ way of life and self is going to be challenging. I was afraid I might not be able to ‘be like my own older version’ ever again and I don’t want to accept that I have lost the ‘spark’ in me. I didn’t want to admit I was a criminal. So I kept running in full circles — doing the same things I hated, continuously choosing to be someone I never wanted, and in the process, I became frustrated. I started getting angry at small things even when there wasn’t a reason to be.

For example, I have been writing consistently on Medium for the past 2.5 years but in the last two months, I have written less than 5 articles. Ouchhhh! I am supposed to write one article every two days. Yet…

I thought I was lacking ideas so I tried to brainstorm the ideas. I thought I needed a break so I didn’t write anything for days. I thought I needed newness so I took a short 3 days trip. But nothing seemed to work. Until, I realized, I was running AWAY.

I was not able to write anything on Medium because I thought I had taken too many breaks and my habits and thoughts were all messed up so now I wouldn’t be able to write as well as I used to. Topping it with, Medium’s new algorithm where writers like me, who write on real experiences, have no space, my articles were getting barely any views. I couldn’t find my readers in the comment section so I just believed, subconsciously, that I had lost ‘my touch.’ I cursed myself so badly for becoming a ‘bad’ person and losing my spark in between. I felt like a failure.

The Role Of Your Brain:

See, how our brain creates problems for us. I have come to believe, our brain creates beliefs for ourselves based on our current lifestyle choices or habits.

If you choose to scroll instead of doing ‘what you said you will do,’ your brain will then analyze what you consider as important. In every situation, your brain will put distractions and fear as a priority. In most cases, people don’t do what they want because they are afraid to lose, afraid they will mess it up, like myself. Hence, FEAR becomes our brain’s first parameter in every situation.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. I don’t have a degree in psychology. But this is what I have experienced and observed in my own life.

Perhaps, that’s why even after uncountable ‘missed calls’ from our consciousness, we cannot return back. We cannot even answer the call because our brain already has found a way to keep us ‘distracted’ using our ‘fear.’

Answering the CALL:

Why are you running away? And what is it that you are running away from?

Have you done something wrong and you are not able to meet your own eyes so you are using distractions as a way to escape the calls? Or are you afraid you cannot do what you always loved? Are you afraid that you are not good enough to have someone/something so you are sabotaging your life subconsciously?

I wish I could tell you what your ‘distraction and fear’ are but I don’t know first thing about you. You have to do the homework on your own without any help.

However, when you do find your reasons to go on DND with your consciousness, I can tell you how to answer the call.

It’s not as scary as you might think.

Read that again!

Look at me. Here I am, writing an article that I was so afraid to write because I was mentally distracted and physically my bad habits had handicapped me. But when I opened my laptop and started typing, feels like I was afraid for no apparent reason. Writing this article is like taking another step to go back home. To return to myself.

So, my advice for you is to pick up the phone and answer the call. Hear what your consciousness is trying to tell you and take one step at a time to return back to yourself. To be at home again.


Whatever it is that you are avoiding, I promise, it will catch on you, and even after years, it will grab a hold of you. So before you spend all your life running away from your truth in the hope that you might find an escape, know there is no escape.

Your consciousness will keep calling you. Answer it. Listen to it. Do what it says. One step at a time, you will be at home again. You wouldn’t have to escape or run away. You wouldn’t have to be at war against yourself and you will find peace and calm standing by you once again when you silence the fear and throw away distractions.

And just a reminder,

“It’s not as scary as you think it to be.”



Renuka Gavrani

I talk about slow & Intentional living - taking you closer to a happy life. I am a published author of the book 'The Art of Being Alone':