I am Losing Myself & You Are Trapped In The Same Vicious Cycle Too; Here Is What I Am Doing

Renuka Gavrani
7 min readSep 2, 2022

I am losing myself, my personality, my thinking process, my original essence, and above all my dreams. Everything is slowly slipping away from my hands without my conscious realization or permission.

Now, you must think I have some kind of mental illness, right?

Well, partially you are correct.

For the past few months, I have been using social media a LOT, especially YouTube. Although I follow some great people, I somehow feel I am going down.

Okay, let me simplify it.

I was thinking of starting my YouTube channel for the past 8 months and it was on 30 August 2022 when I finally posted a video but here is a reality check. I was editing another video today when I felt that I was missing from the video. No, I don’t mean like a ghost. I mean the ME factor was missing from my video.

I was trying to be like a girl I follow on YouTube. I was trying to copy her speaking style so that I can also get more views and attention like her. And all of this happened without my permission or conscious decision. I COPIED HER UNCONSCIOUSLY.

A few days back, I was scrolling Instagram when I came across a girl’s profile who had shared how she gained 200k subscribers on YouTube within 6 months. And the very same night, I was stressing over ‘what if I don’t become a successful YouTuber?’

For the past few weeks, I have been watching YouTube videos on loop in the morning (not the first thing in the morning but after 2 hours of waking up). And although, as I said, I follow some great people, I was listening to their advice on ‘How to create your dream life’ ‘How to live a slow life’ ‘how to take out time for yourself’ or ‘how to reconnect with your feminine energy’

Now, these topics sound so positive, uplifting, and encouraging, right? Yet, while I was enjoying watching them, I started losing clarity in my thoughts and I felt that WHAT I AM DOING IS NOT ENOUGH.

There was no big change in my behavior toward others or myself, but I feel that either something is missing within me or I need something to be ‘that happy’ as people on YouTube are. Now, I know that a 15 minutes…

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Renuka Gavrani

I talk about slow & Intentional living - taking you closer to a happy life. I am a published author of the book 'The Art of Being Alone': https://a.co/d/531JIFq