I Lost My Desire to Stay Connected & It Helped Me Come Back Home To Myself
I grew up as a lonely girl. Someone who had no friends. Someone who had to use manipulation to make friends. It’s strange how even as a child I felt so undesired yet being chosen was the only thing in my wish list.
It didn’t get any easier as I grew up. In fact, with age, I started understanding how I was always in the ‘chasing’ mood. How I would laugh when I didn’t want to and nod along when I wanted to push my head through a wall because those people were boring. I noticed how I would take an active part in gossip and even give appropriate facial expressions when something bad was said about someone else (who by the way had done nothing wrong to me).
I did all those things because I wanted to be a friend.
I was in college when I was still a part of this ‘trying to someone’s friend’ plan.
But then Covid-19 happened and we were all forced to stay at home, away from our friends and family.
It’s been five years since COVID happened and in these five years, I went from a silly-underconfident-I don’t know what I want from my life girl to confident-bestselling author-I know exactly what I want to do in my life woman.
In these five years, I lost a lot of friends. We all did, didn’t we?
When there is no scope for physical connection, the people who were just there for fun drift away. People who you can no longer entertain.
But there were still two-three people I was in contact with. Especially, one of my closest friends whose breakup story I had to hear at least thrice a week for more than an hour.
I never said to her ‘Get over! It’s not high school anymore.’
I thought I should be there for her all the time because this is what friends do.
Long story short, two months back, I injured my leg so badly that I will have to go through an operation. I didn’t just lose my ability to walk but I lost my emotional and mental well-being too.
I lost my desire to even speak.
Not because I was necessarily anxious but I just can’t focus on anything else at this point.
With my own mental health in pieces, I could no longer console my friends who called when something went wrong with their lives. In fact, when I started sharing about my condition, there was an instant response on how their life sucks even more. I felt not only unheard but in competition.
It was in those moments, I realized I never had friends. I had people for whom I could do something. People who I nurtured only to give. And when I could no longer be an unpaid therapist, I suddenly stopped getting calls and messages from the same people.
As I am writing this, I feel this realization should have come as a shock. Something I could cry or complain about.
But every day, when I was left alone, I grew more and more closer to the stillness of my own heart.
I met myself who I had left in between in the journey.
I realized how much time I had wasted on people who were never mine.
I don’t have complaints against anyone or any bad blood.
But I do question, ‘Where was I?’
Have you felt this way ever in your life?
The Desire to Stay Quiet:
Why do you want to stay connected to people all the time?
We live in a world where we are connected to not just our family and friends but to the entire world all the time. The world is no longer a fantasy but a circus and we have its access at our fingertips.
We watch people sharing ‘too’ much about their lives. A decorated version of who they are, what they wear, how much they make, where they live, what they do, what they eat, what their pets look like, what they are currently doing, their future plans, and the list has no end.
What I have realized based on my experience, the more you access other’s lives, the less you have time or interest to access your own.
The more connected you are to others, the less connected you feel to yourself.
I was connected too much to my friend. I allowed her to call and cry about her life at any time for as long as she wanted. I thought this was my chance to show her what a great friend I was.
Not just her, but as my book started to sell well and my Instagram followers increased, it felt like everyone wanted to stay in touch with me. My contact list kept increasing and this whole new world was opening up for me.
For the first time in my life, I felt seen. Not just seen but admired and respected.
This new world pulled me on its side and I lost sight of who I was, what I wanted, why I started, and where I was headed.
I was always surrounded by people and yet I didn’t feel at home. I felt more distant and detached from my own self.
Sooner or later, I found myself doing things I never wanted to. I went from being ‘happy to stay at home to read a book’ to ‘always being out there with people I barely knew or had any interest in knowing.’
In those moments, I felt like something was missing. Something wasn’t right.
Now when I am forced to be in bed, I feel I was missing from my own life. I was somewhere out there for everyone but I wasn’t here with myself.
I got so caught up in the attention I was getting that I became a person that they would love.
But I feel when you go through any physical damage (any disease, illness, or whatever), you suddenly come back inside your body. You feel your bones. You realize nothing that you were doing was important. And that the only important person is YOU.
You begin to crave quietness. You want nothing but stillness. You want to be left alone because you don’t want to be involved in anyone’s life drama. You don’t care how many people you lose because you realize the ones who are yours will find a way to wait for you and stay with you.
In these moments, all you want is physical comfort — good food, comfortable clothes, and your space, however small, so you can be silent. So you can focus on what matters to you.
You realize that you don’t really want to be connected to everyone any longer. That you don’t care about what happens to the world nor do you worry so much about not being able to make it big in the world.
You begin to see that you were running behind an illusion that only led you somewhere far away from yourself — to a place where you cannot even feel yourself, and you cannot see why you started and why you are here.
It’s in these moments, you want quietness. You want peace. You need a good cup of coffee, the comfort of your home, and only those things, or people who come with a promise of peace.
You realize that you no longer have the power to fight for anyone’s love or attention nor do you need it if it doesn’t come on its own.
The deeper you go in these moments of stillness when no one is there to include you in any unnecessary drama, the faster you reach the center of your heart — a place where you feel at home. A place where you don’t have to BE anything to be worthy or good enough. You just are here. And you know that this is where you belong.
Fortunately or unfortunately, once you access this place, everything and everyone that doesn’t align with your truth slips away from your hand. And yet, it doesn’t feel or look like a loss. In fact, you feel lighter as if a burden has been taken away from your shoulder which you don’t even realize you could have dumped long ago.
I have come to this place yet again.
We all get swayed from this place when the world around us gets too loud and too tempting. We start following the people around us or the trends on social media.
Question yourself, how many things or people do you have in your life that make you truly at home with yourself?
The clothes you add to your cart because you saw a social media influencer wearing it, the places you add to your vision board because everyone is going there, the friends you think you have, the endless makeup products you buy because you want to achieve a certain ‘look’, the books you read because all the ‘cool kids’ on social media are recommending it, the goals you set for yourself, how much money you want to make to IT BIG in the world because self-help gurus motivated you for that — how much of this is your own conscious choice? How much of this makes you feel truly YOU? How much of this brings calmness and peace to your life?
If you really question, you will see that not only the visible things in your life but even the mental images you have in your brain are not a part of you. They are distractions taken from the wide world that opens to you every morning — to take you away from yourself.
What you need is not more of anything external. You need more of yourself. You need to shut the world in every way possible so you can begin your journey to home — towards yourself.
Conclusion:
You need to declutter everything that doesn’t satisfy you. Things that you bought because it was a trend. People you follow on social media. You need to let go of the people who you chase by giving them too much attention or time so you can set them free to choose you, if they really are your people. You need to declutter the mental images and dialogues that you have picked up from the world — whether it’s about the ideal version of your life or what you expect people to do for you.
Let go of the baggage you are carrying so you can run fast towards yourself.
Let go of the world so you can feel the quiet and stillness of your heart.
Let go of the distractions, in any form you may be carrying them, so you can see what matters to your soul.
If you liked this article, you will love my book — The Magic of Creative Living: A Conscious Path to a Joyful Life
