When Praises Around You Turned into Comparisons; The Child In You Turned into Validation Seeker
We all carry some level of emotional childhood trauma. Some realize it, work on it, and heal themselves. While others let it control them subconsciously.
In any case, we all have our baggage. One of the common ones that we all carry, irrespective of our gender, country, or religion, is becoming a ‘validation seeker.’
Before you leave this article thinking that you don’t seek validation, allow me to explain the matter in detail so you can tap into your subconscious behavior and free yourself from the cage of what shaped you as a child.
How We Grew Up; When The Child Was An Angel:
Remember the time you were a cute little kid?
Everyone around you used to kiss your cheeks — calling you an angel, cutie, sweetheart, baby, and more such names that adults used to express their feelings for you.
You were an angel for everyone around you. Right from waking up with a smile that beats sunshine to taking your first step to eating from your own hands without spilling anything on the table to say your first word, you were praised for everything. It was almost like even if you blinked, it was magical to adults.
In short, you were surrounded by praises. That’s how our brain was trained as a kid.
When You Started Growing Up:
However, when you started growing up, you were no longer an angel. There was nothing so special about you anymore.
In fact, gradually the praises disappeared and you were just a normal human kid.
You were no longer the apple of anyone’s eye but simply a child who is less intelligent than his/her classmates, who is too shy, too thin, or too fat. As we grew, the praises around us turned into the hallmark of comparison.
Take a second, and try to study your childhood. Analyze when the comparison or yelling started for every little thing. When did your parents start saying ‘Why don’t you learn it from your big brother?’ or ‘Why can’t you just behave like a good kid’ or probably, the comparison started in school when your teachers started comparing you to other students for things that your brain wasn’t capable to understand.
So, you thought ‘Okay, something is wrong and needs to be fixed but what is it?’
When Magic Became Curse:
We went from everyone’s favorite to always doing something wrong that had to be fixed. It’s like we lost magic. Our brains couldn’t understand what we lost and where we went wrong.
Right there was born an under-confident and validation seeker person.
PS: Before we move ahead, I want you to let go of your prejudice for ‘validation seeker.’ If you don’t then you will keep trying to defend yourself even when no one is listening to you.
Thus, every child started trying harder to get the praise of their parents or teachers by trying to study harder, eating anything that is cooked at home, not getting into any trouble, no longer playing games and just trying to be too good.
Lesson: If you find yourself shrinking yourself too thin in every relationship and situation, this is the reason. You don’t want to lose the person. You are scared and you don’t want to be a trouble to anyone. Because deep down, you still believe that if you are good and do as they like, they will love you. (For more on this, you can read my book — A Gentle Touch of Life.)
But when adults didn’t pay attention, and instead of getting praised for trying, you were yelled at, right there, some people turn into validation seeker while others become numb. Some start to seek validation from friends and families and relatives by always trying to do more, and going beyond their limits to make everyone comfortable so that the child in them can be validated and praised. Whereas some people become detached completely — not caring who is suffering around them.
In any case, you start to carry your childhood trauma which you are still dragging around.
If you can see yourself here, I would say, ‘It’s okay. We all have our baggage. We all are tired but the good news is, we are allowed to dispose of this baggage.’ Let’s see how:
1. Let the Child In You Rest:
The first step to healing is — realization.
Realization of two things:
a) You are carrying a burden and understanding your behavior.
b) You are allowed to rest and heal even if it’s uncomfortable for other people.
I was a professional validation seeker, and I can say this from my experience, ‘You are not here to make everyone comfortable. You are here to experience the joy of life. If your joy is coming in between everyone, they can find a different route. You don’t have to adjust.’
Having said that, I want you to realize how you have been shrinking yourself and not letting yourself breathe in any relationship because you are too scared deep down. I want you to take as much time as you want to understand your core behavior — how you act on a subconscious level.
Because without understanding yourself, you will keep getting back to your default behavior. If you need more help with that, you can read my book — The Art of Being Alone where I have dived into detail about ‘How to get to know the deepest parts of yourself and be comfortable with them.’
However, the starting step of your healing journey is to (as I have said in my book) — You can allow the child in you to rest and become the person you were meant to be. Let your past go and treat yourself with compliments that you once desired from the world. You can look at yourself in the mirror and feel complete. You can allow yourself to turn inward and seek your own compliments and attention and be at peace.
2. Become Your Comfortable Place:
Who has been worse to you? The world or you?
If you grew up like we discussed, chances are high, that you judge yourself more than other people do. You spend more time in your head figuring out ‘what would people think’ instead of going after the things that your heart desires.
Reason? You lost your confidence when you were compared for every little thing. Your mind was trained to believe that ‘you are always lesser than others’ so you are not…you know..that good. And chances are, you still think so. You still judge yourself and self-sabotaging and self-doubting might be your favorite hobbies to play with.
What should you do in that case?
I searched for my worth in people’s opinions and then as per the milestones I was able to achieve.
However, for the longest period, I could never believe that ‘I can do it’ and that ‘IT’ could be any new idea jumping on my head. I used to judge myself for how I looked to how I talked to who I was.
All of it because my focus was always external.
However, things changed about 2 years back when I turned inward. I wouldn’t say that ‘I don’t care about anyone anymore’ because I do.
But I care more about ‘What do I think of myself? Can I come back to myself after a long day in the external world? Can I understand myself when no one else does? Do I need to talk to them late at night even when I am sleepy? Can I say NO to those things where I don’t feel comfortable or don’t enjoy myself? Am I totally comfortable with spending time with myself?
I worked on these questions and my God! Life feels like a sweet little heaven now.
Because no matter what, I know I can turn to myself trust myself, and understand myself without any judgments. I don’t have to try too hard speak too much or laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. That’s FREEDOM.
I want you to experience that Freedom.
Build a comfortable environment within yourself. Build a place deep inside yourself so that when the world is disturbing you, you can turn inward and feel the warmth of self-love. Set yourself free from all the hallmarks of judgments and comparisons and be so self-reliant that only your opinions echo in your mind. Opinions that make you feel confident and comfortable.
If you need help with that, you can read my book — The Art of Being Alone.
3. Build Proofs for Your Brain:
I wouldn’t say that healing is easier as much as it sounds. It will take time.
Your brain was trained to behave like it does at this moment. To break this pattern, you have to re-train your brain.
How do we do that?
By creating proof for your brain that you no longer seek validation, you can take space, you feel comfortable with yourself, and you are confident in your own mind.
How do we create proofs?
Pretty simple, by doing one thing that you otherwise wouldn’t do. Like, say to your annoying friend that you are busy right now to give proof to yourself that YOUR comfort matters.
Take yourself on a date either to a café or a normal park and do whatever you like be it reading, or just sitting there feeling the start of a new life.
Don’t speak where your opinions were not asked or with people who don’t hear.
Don’t go to places that you don’t like and go more to those places that your heart wants to explore.
Read those books in your cart and give yourself time. Watch movies on your own and watch the movies you truly like.
If you want to stay silent, be silent. If you want to speak on stars, speak on stars even if you are the only one listening.
The bottom line is — to set proof for your brain to believe that YOU MATTER.
Conclusion:
With all of this being said, I truly suggest you start studying your behavior. That’s what helped me to fall in love with my mind. I became curious about myself and it was good. Life will be good when you do YOU without carrying any burden.
